Loose Thoughts of a Healing Soul

Loose Thoughts of a
Healing Soul
By
Ehi Aimiuwu
Preface:
The true definition of love is in the
mind of the beholder. Everyone views
love in a different way, and sometimes
the way we love and how we love is
taken advantage of.
In a relationship, we are always faced
with a choice…
Do we stay or do we go? And if we go,
how can we let go?
Love can sometimes hinder us from
making rational decisions, and cause
us to suffer in the long run. Love can
eventually break us, and there is a
process to heal again, so that maybe we
can find true love.
This book is a collection of poems and
a memoir inspired by the way we love
the consequences of it, and what we
learn from it.
These are my loose thoughts of what I
have witnessed and experienced, these
are loose thoughts of a healing soul.

Chapter 1
Fucked up …again
I fall into that stupid love.
Into that, “there’s no way I can move
forward without him” love.
I fall into love hard, hit the ground
running hard, type of hard.
many times I would just hit the
ground….with no energy to run. And I
just lay in love, with a stupid love look
on my face cause
Im blinded by love. Im too busy being
in love to see how to move forward.
love is not my friend. And you’re
asking me to love again?
I should have said no but I will take
another chance on love, even though its
something I should be running from.
but I do love you.
November 1st
Again…after all I’ve done
Nothing has changed
And now, maybe it will never change
Well, this is the fifth time I left, so it’s
easier this time.
But where do I go?
Am I willing to walk out into the
unknown than to stay…with him?
I can’t stay here.
I can’t
So I go again, with tears and many
fears
The worst is hopefully left behind me.
Walk away
As my life falls apart
I stand watching the walls around me
crumble
And I do nothing but let it fall
This is no longer my home
But only a shell of memories that haunt
me in my sleep
When the roof began to leak
And the floors creaked at my every step
I should have ran and stayed away
But I kept running back
Thinking that if I could get a bucket
some nails and a hammer
I can fix it and make it look good again
This home has drained me
And left me with splinters
My blood sweat and tears stain the wall
that now lay beneath me
“God please take me away from this
horrible place! Please take me!
Let me rest my head in a place where I
can feel loved and safe…”
Before I can finish I realized that he has
carried me out of here so many times
before and I brought myself back.
I did this to myself.
What was I thinking?
why am I still standing here waiting for
a miracle to happen and turn around
and ask why me?
I brought myself back, thinking that
I can give and give onto this broken
home and revive it.
Thinking that maybe I could get
something in return or just settle with
what I do have.
This house aint worth the dirt it lays
upon
“God, don’t carry me this time, let me
walk away.”
Feeling
I have a feeling that they fucking.
He’s cheating, being sneaky,
And he don’t give a damn
Girl, sista girl, he is fucking that bitch,
and she smiling in your face, eye ballin
your man and trying to be your best
friend to get closer to him.
Look at the way she smiles at him.
Look at the way he looks at her.
They cheating and they don’t give a
damn…
girl, are you listening?
Damage
Internal damage from bullshit and lies
Being your main chick and I am
supposed to be satisfied
Keeping you happy by looking good
for you and God knows I tried
You taking care of me during the day
giving me gifts and getting my hair and
nails done, everything did
and you gone at night, drinking,
partying and finding a new bitch to
kick it with, so im done
and I am supposed to be content, im
supposed to be having fun
I am listening to your voicemails and
reading your messages in the inbox and
outbox and I’m supposed to smile when
you return after the shit I have heard.
After the shit I read, but now its my
turn.
Internal damage from drama
Being a soldier fighting for love, while
im being attacked
Finding a way to continue loving you
Fighting for you to love me back
Knowing that you really don’t, and im
ready to crack.
Knowing that you don’t love the other
girls, so I fight the other girls off, no
time to react
You just love the lifestyle
You love hurting me
You love the lies
You love this game you play
game over
What happened to me
What happened?
What made this shit go this far?
I loved him
That’s it.
Yeah, I said it,
The common excuse, love
I loved him everyday all day,
Through all the good and all the bad
Through every fight, I loved him.
I wanted to love him like I did when we
were in love,
But I realize that it will never happen.
He is not the same as he was before.
I am not the same
People change, we changed.
People grow, relationships grow.
I thought we were growing closer
together
But in reality we were definitely
growing apart.
Over time he has managed to put me
down
And I was expecting him to hold out a
hand
To help me back up
He never helped me back up
I am left to do that on my own
I cant believe I trusted him
I fell for the promises
He promised change, he promised real
love, a real family.
Thought he truly loved me and needed
me.
I couldn’t see
Blinded by what I couldn’t even
imagine to call love
I want to be angry
I want him to suffer like I did.
I want him to be scared, knowing that
harm is coming his way and he has no
choice but to sit there waiting for it to
come.
I wanted and dreamt about being his
wife.
Showing the world and god that we are
one
Now I show the world the face of a
victim.
A face of betrayal deception and lies
And if I get through this
The face of a survivor
November 23rd
Shattered and left to pick up the pieces,
With no pieces to grab.
What is left on the ground is my heart
And from what I can see my heart has
been stabbed.
I’m left crushed with no one to turn to
Nowhere to run and nowhere to hide
So for the final time, where do I start?
Guess from the inside.
Today,
I am at the bottom
I left my broken home, to be homeless.
Is it worth it?
This place I am at is like an institution.
Every day sessions to spill my guts and
make a plan
They look at me like garbage; one or
two people look like they might be able
to help me, or are they trained to look
like that.
I have six weeks to be here and that’s
it,
Can’t find a place they send you to
another shelter.
So I have six weeks
Six weeks
How do I fix myself,
how do I fix my world,
how do I fix my everything in six
weeks?
chapter 2
Sessions

 

Group
It’s true when they say “You’re not the
only one”
It’s true when they say “It could be so
much worse”
I have heard the unbelievable
I have seen the faces of the
unthinkable.
I will never forget their stories
But our story hasn’t ended.
As we stare at each other
Listening
Thinking
Crying
I realize that I am here for a reason.
God wanted me to talk, wanted me to
hear wanted me to see.
I never had a chance to before, until
now
What you gonna do?
Lying ass nigga can’t admit to it.
Girls blowing up the phone
Condom wrappers
coming home late from work
What else do you need?
do you really need more proof?
What you gonna do
December 1st
It’s easy to stop loving him
When I never loved him in the first
place
It’s harder to forgive him
For the pain he put me through
It’s damn near impossible
To forget
December 5th
All I feel is anger.
I look at myself and where I am and
feel nothing but anger.
I feel angry towards him, but I am also
angry with myself.
How could I be so damn stupid?
Detox
I want to get rid of all of it
The love that I thought I had for him
The memories of us, as a family, as a
lie
And the pain
The pain is eating me alive
I don’t want him anymore
Not the bad, nor the good
So why does it still hurt me?
I can still feel everything…from every
fight.
I knew how much I loved him and I
could feel how angry I was for him
hurting me on purpose.
I can feel how bad that anger affected
me
The heat going through my face and
my whole body
I also remember the fear.
My face hot but my body paralyzed by
the fear
Time heals all wounds, so I know this
pain will go away
But the fear will still linger
So how do I cope
How do I begin to heal
How do I let go
Do I embrace is?
Ignore it?
Nurture it?
shit, I face it.
My addiction
I was addicted to the lust
Blinded by love
Intrigued by his lies
and fed into his tricks
He was a drug to me,
Like ecstasy
I always ran back for more
I was his junkie
He saw that I was vulnerable
And took it to his full advantage
And I enjoyed being the damsel in
distress
And was sucked into the fairy tale
I am beauty with a real beast,
Cinderella with no prince
I was a story with no good end in sight
My fairytale ripped my reality apart
And I am hanging on to my lifeline
It’s time to break my love for him
Time to break my addiction
Anxiety
I felt nothing but anxiety while I was
with him.
I was constantly scared.
“Is he going to pick a fight with me?
Did I do everything right?
Did I do everything ‘his’ way?”
I never knew whether or not I should
sleep before he gets home.
He would wake me if something was
out of place or wasn’t cooked right.
He suspected something, he always
does.
Why should I worry knowing what’s
going to happen anyway.
I don’t want to sleep, or eat or even
think.
“I hear something, a car, a door, not
sure”
We lived up high, so I knew to look out
for foot steps on the stairs.
“I don’t hear any”
Why, do I stay here?
Waste my energy on him?
Letting him control me?
Trying to make this work?
“I hear it”
My heart thumps to each step,
Praying that he’s in a good mood
That the house is right
That I am right
That he wont take his anger out on me.
“He’s here”
December 11th
I’m ok.
My children are ok.
Today were ok.
I got emails from him.
I ignore them when I can.
I don’t reveal where I am
I’m okay for today
I’m okay for now.
Restless
For a full week I couldn’t sleep at night
My mind does not rest well, whether I
am up or not
This stress just might kill me
And the worst part of this is…
The problem aint him…it’s me.
I accepted this life that I had.
I let him hurt me
I let him ruin my life.
Something in me kept telling me that
it’s okay for him to love me this way
and it’s not.
I’m weak right now.
I am emotionally exhausted
But my mind wont allow my body to
rest.
Constantly thinking, worrying, and
analyzing the past and the present.
I don’t want to even think of the future
I have to focus on me
Getting myself better for what’s about
to come
December 13th
Another session, with someone new…
Suppression never works
The sorrow and fear cant be locked up
Trust me I am trying
And it’s hurting me.
It’s hurting me inside
Today, I had no other choice but to
open that door that’s been shut for so
long.
I didn’t want to deal with it, not today,
nor tomorrow, not ever.
I wanted it to go away, I wanted my
past to never exist.
I was still the little hurt girl,
Still in pain
Still a victim.
I’m a statistic
Today I accept my past, I cant deny it
no more.
Mental
Love makes me mental
I fall and fall and fall into love,
And I must have cracked my head on
the way in.
I want to hate the way I love him,
I really want to hate him but I can’t
No good reason to.
I put this on myself
Love makes me crazy
Head over heels crazy in love
And at the end I am the one who gets
hurt
I turn to look at him
And ask why you don’t love me
as much as I love you
And I realize at the end
He doesn’t have to
Love makes me lose my mind
The way I am calling all the time
To keep a piece of mind
Hoping that he never leaves me
Because I put so much time and energy
into him
Only for him to be better for the next
girl
Thinking of it,
Only provokes me to go knock him
upside the head
…just in case HE’s thinking of it.
Love drives me insane
Especially if this is the type of love I
plan on dealing with the rest of my life.
This is funny
This is delicious
A big joke
Fuck love
Love is killing me
Chapter 3
My breakdown
Failure
I am failing to respond.
I hear you and just refuse to react.
I refuse to open my eyes and see
where I am.
This is not where I belong, I cannot
continue to live like this.
I am not your charity case.
I chose this path alone, I fell alone, so
let me rise from the ashes alone.
Let this be my rock bottom.
Please.
I can’t take this self inflicting torture
anymore.
Please.
I am losing control
On every aspect of my life.
And I am letting it happen
With my eyes shut
Mouth closed
Barely breathing
Just laying here
Just letting it go
I failed
To believe that I will be okay
I failed
Myself
Game over
New life, round two
Wake up and see a new beginning
Before it ends for good.
Breathe
Live
I refuse to die with no hope left
I refuse to fail again.
It starts with my words.
I still have my thoughts
I still have my poetry
My heartbeat
My hands
A pen and paper
My lifeline
Demons
I pray for peace
I pray for peace of mind
My demons got a hold of me
I’m stuck in a bind
When I think that I am finally free
My demons take over me
They tell me that I am nothing
They tell me that I can’t really see
My anger demon distracts me
So I think of nothing else but revenge
My sorrow makes me wander
But it also makes me binge
These thoughts are lurking in my head
I think it’s due to trauma
My walls have cracked and been
knocked down
Cause I’ve been blown by all this
drama
I am thinking things I shouldn’t think
I AM NOT OKAY SO DON’T ASK
ME
The world can leave me alone for a
minute
I am at my worst times three
Call me crazy if you want
But I bet you’ll find out real quick
That the real you is real fucked
So fuck off, you’re making me sick
January 4th
Time’s up.
But they’re moving me into another
program
Just bought myself more time
I can’t leave here yet
I need this
Are you serious
I am tired
Of your bullshit
Lie after lie after lie,
you feed me this shit to try to make me
cry.
even your most sincere sorry wouldn’t
bring a tear to my eye.
And you blame this shit on me.
we can’t even compromise, rationally.
on how me and you are suppose to be.
I cant do this, this aint normal
And you say I’m crazy.
fuck this shit, not today.
only little boys like to play.
is this shit really all you have to say.
if so, do me a favor and just go away.

January 10th
I stopped my sessions for now
Still do group sessions
See new girls, hear more stories.
I see myself in them
I see where I have been
The same place I have been over and
over.
A place where you just left, where you
just broken up and you have no clue
how to move on
Been there about 5 times
Went back 4
Today
I’m learning more about why
Instead of constantly asking why me
CHAPTER 4 : manifest
January 14th
More emails from him.
I refuse to let him know anything
His emails go from anger to controlling
to what I think is apologetic.
Its bullshit
Funny, I was just discussing this in a
past session
The cycle
“Sorry baby”, and “Why you leave me
baby?” and “What the fuck is wrong
with you?” and “You abandoned me!”
and the best one “We can still make it
work.”
Funny
Delete, delete, delete
Delete all
“Are you sure?”
“YES”
Ugh
Frustration, can you please step
back so i can get some ventilation.
There is no temptation. So just stop
the procrastination and tell me your
proclamation. And I don’t want
your full blown explanation about
why our status as parents needs a
renovation, because our past lives need
a demolition. This issue between us no
longer needs a continuation, so stop
bullshitting me before I make you a
demonstration, ugh!
longer need a continuation, so keep
bullshitting me and i will make you a
demonstrationUuu
Intensive care
You thought you had me wrapped
around your fucking fingers
You want me to come crawling back to
you, like you thought I always would.
Thought you can just pull a new card
out of your hand and just get me back.
It’s over, I am done
And have never felt better
It’s hilarious to watch you go from
apologizing, to threats, to just plain
pathetic.
And you say no one would want me.
You selfish
Manipulating
Motherfucker
You demand attention like a little child
Complain like a little bitch
And you want me to feel bad for you,
just because you are fucking you, and
there is no one who is there for me like
you except for you.
Do me a favor and grow up, GROW
THE FUCK UP
My “love” for you was nothing to you
And now you are worth nothing to me
I would rather suffer being alone than
to be with you or deal with you.
Yeah it’s that bad
I may look weak to you, because you
had me when I was vulnerable.
But no one, not even you, will break
me.
January 23rd
Single mother of two…well now three.
How am I going to make it?
The same way I got this far
With God
I constantly ask myself how do I keep
moving forward,
Others who have heard my story also
ask
And I never knew what to tell them
Until now
God carries me when I can’t carry
myself
I walk and sometimes don’t know
where I am going
My faith keeps me focus
My spirit keeps me calm when I am at
my worst
That’s how I make it, no super powers
or magical wand, just God.

Numb and Coldhearted
His kindness did not reach my heart
and it left me unaffected.
I wasn’t even angry, only because I
knew that he would get some sort of
sick satisfaction knowing that he could
still affect me, only for control of the
situation.
His voice though, stricken my body,
not with fear but with caution
Every word I say, robotic, with no life
behind them.
I no longer cared.
As he spoke about his feelings, how I
abandoned him, I honestly didn’t care
As he tries to put a sense of humanity
in his words, I just did not care.
I became numb to hide the pain, my
only line of defense.
I am no longer hopeful to try to see the
change in him, there is none.
No longer loved him enough to wait
around for it to magically happen I no
longer cared for him.
January 27th
It’s easier not to think about it.
Love, I can hate it at time but also at
the same time long for it.
I am scared to move on.
I would do almost anything to keep
from suffering the pain from a broken
heart.
Numb it, suppress it, or ignore it
Unhealthy habits of mine
For now I deal with it and cry.
Chapter 5
Healing
bad
shes a bad bitch, yea shes a bad bitch.
If you wanna know, shes badder than
your bad bitch.
If the haters really wanna hate, then this
is really tragic.
a sad case, when bitches wanna hate
from the gate and escape from the
minds that would easily congradulate
Transitional
I reached a new change in me.
I proved to myself that I can live
Without him
I can survive
Without him
I can be happy
Without him
Everyone thought that I would go back
to him
But I am tired
My sanity is at stake
If I go back
At my lowest point in my life so far
And I feel good
I didn’t think that I would reach this
point
I am hopeful
I am changing
I can feel it
I don’t think the same way I used to
Especially the way I think about myself
The way I think about him
I am thankful for what I have learned
Thankful for those who helped me
I am thankful for a chance to continue
moving forward
February 7th
My world came crashing down today.
Can’t see
Can’t think
Can barely breathe
Rest in peace dad
Nothing else matters to me right now
I’ll miss you
February 23rd
Rest in peace Nicole
You didn’t know it but I looked up to
you.
I told you that you were stronger than
me and I meant it
You did something that I wasn’t ready
to do.
You fought back, but you did it the
right way…in court
You helped me.
You helped me prepare for the future
The day I stepped out of the program
believe it or not you helped me face
reality.
This is more than just a relationship
gone wrong
This is life…
…or death, in some cases
Ima miss you
March 10th
Today I woke up and no longer loved
my ex
Love to me is big; I give my all and
expect it in return
What I had with him was not love,
On a good day I wouldn’t even call it
lust.
A master and his dog
What category can I put that under?
Control
Today I didn’t miss him at all
I am not even angry anymore
I saw his picture and didn’t cry
Stopped reading his text messages
Stop reading the instant messages
Deleted the voicemails as soon as I
heard his voice
Stopped calling at 1 in the morning to
argue with him about some bullshit he
emailed me.
Yeah I definitely stopped
It’s wasting my time
And I’m free now
He can’t control me anymore and he
knows it
And I know it bothers him
And he knows that I am enjoying this
moment
No one to cook his breakfast
No one to give him a quick fuck when
he needs it
No more pussy, no more ass, no more
bad sex, but the head was decent.
Anyways…
No more me
He will never have anyone quite like
me
And he knows it
I am finally free
I gave him everything and I was left
with nothing.
I was angry but now my heart is filled
with so much joy
I enjoy having a good day
I enjoy having a normal day
And I enjoy having a bad day
I don’t want him anymore
I don’t want him at all
I don’t need him in my life
I am free
Forgive me
Me forgive you?
I will forgive you
I can’t forgive you
But I will try to
I have to forgive your ways
And the fact that your unapologetic to
what you have done to me
But not forgiving you is holding me
back.
Not forgiving you doesn’t allow me to
move forward
So for that reason, I forgive you and I
also forgive myself
Time heals. But the pain is real. Especially when my
heart feels ill. So what’s the deal? Next time keep
my feelings sealed. Have my layers to peel…
but if you truly love me. You would love me
patiently.
one day my heart will be open, to love passionately.
until day, I will live through my poetry lavishly
loose thoughts from a healing soul, words I will
glady keep.

 

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